Time For Reflection

August is the begining of the harvest season, a time to recognise the fruits of our efforts. We reach the high tide of the year, the hottest month, when the children are all home from school and a well earned rest is deserved. We have gone through powerful transformations. There may have been growing pains. There may have been challenges. Looking back over the past few years, I recognise a lot of struggle. This is a time to recognise how much we have accomplished.  There were a lot of difficult situations over the past few years. I made the big move out of my parents' house in 2008. I didn't realise how much this would challenge me. I was very anxious about "fitting in" and living up to others' expectations. In 2009 my brother had a serious accident. We were close to losing him completely. At the same time, my grandad's health took a turn for the worse and he passed away in hospital. Every April thereafter was difficult. In 2010 there was a holiday in Sweden to visit family. I knew this was going to be a difficult trip because I would be spending a lot of time with my sister, who I don't tend to get on with. Returning from Sweden, things were not good between me and my sister. It was just the final straw for me, I couldn't keep arguing with her so I decided it was better not to speak to her at all. I just hope she learns to become less aggressive. University was altogether stressful but I managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in 2011.

These events caused me to seriously question my beliefs and begin a thorough investigation. I am thankful for having been shaken out of my comfort zone. It really helped me come to a far deeper understanding. This is the level of understanding I had been craving since I began my journey 15 years ago. It has taken me this long to figure out my fears, anxieties, and depression. It has taken me this long to mature and gradually achieve independence as an adult. I have been in a long term relationship for almost 9 years now and we have only been living together for a year. Our little flat is just down the road from my parents, so we visit often. My brother is doing well and he is receiving compensation for his accident. I still don't speak to my sister.  There have been a lot of family problems.

I have gone through troubled times. I have seen stormy weather. I have lost the will to live and wished to die. I have cried oceans. The only thing that keeps me going is compassion for others. The darkest depths taught me the clearest wisdom. I realise now how angry I had been in the past, and how this came across to others. I didn't realise how angry I was. I went through a lot of confusion and questioning. I have had trouble communicating with people and feeling comfortable in social groups. I have found it difficult to trust others. I have criticised myself and others. I have fought with myself and others. I grew tired of arguments. I grew tired of ego games and drama. I wanted out. I cut myself loose. I began to start anew.

The following is a guided meditation video that I hope you find helpful. This is something I practice often.