Personal Development

Well I have been writing this blog for about a year and a half now. Many blogs have preceded this one. Blogging is just a way for me to note down ideas and process information, it's something I do so I can reflect on things.

I feel right now like I'm coming out of a tunnel, I can see the light at the end and it is drawing ever so close. The tunnel has been that shady time between November and May, when the northern hemisphere slips into slumber. It was the night of Halloween when I ended my 9 year relationship with Mike. We had a lovely time together, and he is still dear to me, but I had come to realise that we were not the best match. We didn't argue or fight, we were quite content with each other, but I don't think we ever really opened up to each other. We kept each other at a safe distance and enjoyed each other's company without getting too emotionally intimate. I want desperately for him to be happy.

Then I met Tom, who was straight away open about his thoughts and feelings. I don't think I've ever met anyone who could speak so frankly. I thought to myself, please teach me your secret! I want to know how to be like you! I want to fearlessly be able to say just how I am feeling and what is going through my mind.

I believe that everyone we accept into our lives is there for a reason, we have been drawn to them because we see something in them that we want to become. The people you surround yourself with make you who you are. At a time when I had no self esteem or confidence in myself, Mike taught me that I could learn to love myself, and see what he saw in me. What I saw in him was someone who was very capable of integrating themselves into the game of society, someone who knew how to play by the rules, someone who could entertain a crowd of people, someone who knew how to make friends and money. I wanted to be successful like him, clever and confident, well adjusted and polite. I was a barbarian in comparison. He laughed and called me "shiva the destroyer".

Here are my private thoughts and contemplations, but I want to be able to open myself up to the world out there. I want to say honestly, sometimes I feel so worthless I want to die, and at other times I am ecstatic just to see the blue sky above and leaves on the trees. I have ups and downs, so does everybody. I am always developing, trying to adapt myself to the world around me. I try to learn the rules of the game, but to be honest I want out, I want to make my own rules and play my own game. I remember feeling like this on the playground as a small child. I didn't understand the games the other children were playing and I didn't much care for running back and forth shouting "bulldog" or "kiss chase" or any of that brutish behaviour. I wanted to spread my arms and feel the wind in my hair and say "I'm flying", imagining clouds beneath my feet and exploring fantastical otherworlds. My strongest desire was to be able to show other people the beautiful things in my imagination. I wanted to learn to draw and paint a window into the peaceful place that lies within. I want my images to have the power and intensity of religious icons that capture you in a state of reverie.

I saw myself as a witch when I was just 13, but my understanding of that arcane craft has developed a lot over the years. The word witch is often translated as "sorcière" which comes from Vulgar Latin sortiarius, from sors "fate", apparently meaning "one who influences fate". Another word often used for this art is faerie from Late Latin fata "fate". A witch, sorceress, or fae, is a "prophetess" one who decrees the course of destiny. You might say that a modern witch is someone who takes charge of their own fate, someone who steers the course of their life. I see fate as a river which we paddle down. We are able to make some adjustments to the way we travel, but ultimately we are bound to the current of destiny. We have a sense of Will, a sense of making decisions, but our decisions are products of our past experiences, so we are always bound by external circumstances. Paddling down the river, we may feel as though we are travelling by the force of our own movements, this is the illusion of autonomy. The witch is one who sees the power of the current which carries us.

So I am wondering where the river will take me and how I ought to paddle in order to travel smoothly. As an artist, I want to inspire others, and I see myself as a medium through which ideas may be expressed. I want to speak openly and honestly, and I feel like I am regaining my confidence to do so.